Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Poop Q & A

Because I'm gross like that.

--When do you poop?

--How much?

--Do you every force it?/I've heard that's bad but I do all the effing time...

--Do you use laxatives? How often?

--What foods make you feel best doing #2?

Anyhow, now that that's over....


Oh-Ho, Fro-Yo

Thank you lovelies for the comments on my past inebriated post. It means so much to hear "yes! you're doing it right!" though sometimes we don't think so ourselves...

Today was an ok day. I changed my calorie intake daily goal from 500 to 600 on my iPod app (mostly to compensate for the massive amounts of calories taken in per day, to make myself feel better). So on "Lose It" the weight loss app I keep raving about, there are graphs and figures and statistics day-to-day week-to-week, and being a visual girl this just really floats my boat! And you see, when I eat LESS than my goal, there is a GREEN space but if I go over it turns RED and becomes very obviously BADBAD.

My best friend left yesterday which was good for me calorie wise, since her house, and recreation with her always always involves food. My Mommy and I went to the Bay Area (in California) yesterday to hear a piano concert, and ended up nomming in Berkeley which is a fucking foodie HEAVEN. We split a burrito which I was hoping would be vegetarian=veggies but instead it was vegetarian=riceandguacamole, not a great calorie counting time...

Also, is anyone else like totally obsesssssed with fro-yo? It's such a craze in Northern California seriously, like there are 7 frozen yogurt stores in my tiny little college town. Ridic. It's my undoing, especially since the nonfat healthy flavors are often available to sample for free in these tiny lil' cups, with flava flavs like Peanut Butter, Sweet Coconut, Green Tea, and fucking Sugar-free Raspberry. SO DELISH. I need to get back on the South Beach diet modified to restrict all dairy.

fuck you, Pinkberry

I love you all, bonne nuit!

[all photos minus LiLo are of Maggie Cheung, fabulous Chinese actress]

Sunday, July 25, 2010

2 OZ of GIn = 64 calories WTF


that is the sound my body makes when it realizes that not only is it inebriated with a fine amount of Seagram's but also that it's flooded with over 150 calories of fucking gin. Why did I think hard alcies had any less calories than wine?

Today my best friend was in town and I did really well if I may say so myself though we indulged in Farmer's Market cheese samples and such....


I played with my food at her house, even as she downed three choco chip cookies and slices of Gouda galore.
I spread my dinner out as far as I could, a la Cassie from "Skins" (thank you all you lovely British galz who so adore that show and have gotten this California girl fully hooked on it!!!!), playing with my food, toying each bite, wasting time washing dishes and other tasks ANYTHING BUT EATING

all in all I think I still had over 700 calories.
but I did some exercise, so that's good at least.
but FUCK. Still fat. still over 130 pounds.

fucking fattie. blond fattie.

I hate my weight. We went swimming today and it was all I could do not to pinch my stomach in public, just hating on all that flubber....it's the thighs and stomach, goddammmmn.


anyway, I am drunk. Can you tell? Drunk on like two shots fucking lightweight yarrrrrrr Pirate's Bootie y'all.

Sorry no intake today I have it all on my iPod touch though thanks to "Lose It!" the app for Anorexics and other ED-challenged babes of the Planet.

xxxoxooooo Eva

Sorry for the ridicu-post.
off to watch Skins now.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Fridge Door, Silverware Drawer, Heart Sore

The late night sounds in my house should not bother me. They should be accepted by the 21-year-old daughter living at home for the summer before she heads off with her boyfriend to Beijing for 12 months.

But every night is the same. My mom heads to the kitchen, no, she lingers around the kitchen, and then the refrigerator opens. Containers open, silverware rattles, maybe the TV turns on, bowls are left asunder on the sofa so there is cottage cheese or peanut butter caked on them the next morning. And it's like "that's great there's your substitution for a happy marriage or any form of sexual romantic love for the past 20 years, that's great. Enjoy your snacks". But it's worse than that because that enjoying-of-snacks she indulges in every day, every evening also strikes me through and through and makes my heart yearn for spoonfuls of ice cream and peanut butter too, bowls and bowls of Cheerios or just a shit-ton of whatever-the-fuck-is-in-the-cupboards.


but then I guess that's why we have so many of these folks in American, soon-to-be all over the world:

because it has become acceptable to solve your problems and "reward" yourself with eating
to waste your life on eating
to substitute living with eating and food

I was under 500 today because of exercise and lots of veggies. I made a great carrot purée baby food with steamed carrots and a spritz of onion powder, blended together for yumtasticness.
I'm feeling good other than having the Mom-binge-ED on my mind.
Hope you all are having good nights/mornings/daytimes.
xxxooo Eva

I did a boo-boo

I f'd up on the camping trip, eating a total of definitely more than 1000 calories worth of junk food: chips, marshmallows, choco, cookies, et cetera.

I did pat myself on the back briefly when we all stopped for In-N-Out (California's famed fast food joint...it's delicious) and all I got was coffee. So at least there's that. And I didn't have any hot dogs at the campfire because "i'm vegetarian going on vegan".

I got home and ran for 20 minutes. Then I felt awful and wanted to puke though I knew all the calories had already been absorbed in my tum. I then tried to do the salt water cleanse but that really put the digestive system into total chaos--I ended up puking up a lot of water, and a lot of weirdly colored food remainders (sorry for the tmi guys).

So today has been RECOUP day. Which means: lots of probiotics (yoghurt spoonfuls here and there, some kimchi, and later some kombucha too) to repair the digestive system, fiber, and veggies. Also LOTS OF WATER. Aiming for three litres.

Intake so far:
1/2 c fiber one and soymilk (150 cals)
kim chi (like 10 cals)
1 prune (30 cals)

I'm starting up the baby food diet after my day of recouping which means I'll be pureeing lots of peas, prunes, and carrots.
Yay fresh produce.

Hope your past few days have been better than mine...
xxxooo Eva

PS: The gum in my previous post was Wrigley's "5" React: Fruit gum. INTENSE

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Blogger Addict A-whaaa?!!

So the lovely Madamoiselles Sophie, Ava-Rose, and Emry nominated me for a Blogger Addict Award! SO SWEET! It feels nice to be read, and shared with friends.

Anyway here are my opinions, though they may mean nary a thing to thee...

(is this how you do it?)

1) A day without eating slip-ups
2) Classical music (I have been playing piano my whole life, it's got a special place in my heart, I guess...I love Rachmaninoff, Beethoven, Bach--so structured!, and Debussy)
3) Painting, and FINISHING a painting!
4) Affirmation--I know it's bad, but in any realm of my life others' approval and admiration is prized by yours truly...pathetic?
5) Gardening--because it's wholesome and meditative, burns calories, and VEGGIES ARE FUCKING HEALTHY YO!
6) Thinspo that's aesthetically advanced, a la Zen Thinspo.
7) Nintendo 64--it's a blast from the past!

~Je deteste~
1) When self-doubt and criticism prevent productivity and happiness--the "You're no good!" voice.
2) Being away from my boyfriend...my best friend and love of my life (Read: why my summer has blown--DEFINITELY not literally)
3) Thunder thighs-- 'nuff said
4) The feeling of a stomach distended with food
5) Hyperreality
6) Neoliberalism, conservatism, fundamentalism, basically all those -isms.

Also. J'aime beaucoup/I love, a very very lot...
You have been keeping me strong, and positive. Until recently I had no idea there were this many amazing creative people with similar problems to my own. It is seriously so enlightening and motivating to read your words day-to-day.

xxxooo Eva

PS: Here they are, the nominations. *Unfolds envelope*
désespérée de maigrir--a pretty new blog to read!
Ms. Peridot, par excellence

sry, I know it's gross. BUT THE COLOR! WTF!

Camping Shlamping--I Missed Y'all!

Hello ladies and gents! I'm back from the gorgeous North coast of California and BOY does it feel good to check up on your lively lovely and lascivious posts and comments!

I had a great time and the eating was pretty under control (500, 1000, 700) with the exception of a hot dog and tempeh on the first night. I have to say the iPhone/iPod app, "Lose It" has really been saving me day-to-day. I have an iPod touch that I got free as Apple's student gimmick-"buy a Macbook get a free iPod bla bla bla"-and its transportability is great for keeping track of intake/exercise/calories in general.

Mom and I stopped at American Apparel on the way home and squeezing into a potential-buy bikini was NOT so much fun as lounging on a sandy, pebbly beach with no mirrors within a 20-mile radius, I have to say. Mom was also verrry offended by the presence of many butts, and also Butt in Am Appy though. C'mon mom, it's BUTTS! Silly BUTTS! Although I don't know how I feel about their advertising schemes myself, I feel like the unisex/androgyne/butt-tastic appeal is OK.

I am going to the beach with friends tomorrow. I am KEEPING INTAKE DOWN AND JOGGING ON SANDY BEACHES HIGH


also HI! new followers! thanks and nice to meet you!
xxxooo Eva

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Snackin' Smackin'

My mom is a huge late-night snacker. I think I picked up all of my bad habits/food addiction/depression from her. It's so frustrating. She wants to eat healthy so it's not too hard to fast around her, though sometimes she fusses. What are your parents like?

Last night at my friend's party I saw my first serious boyfriend for the first time in five years. That was...weird. He seemed almost exactly the same. I guess I am a little taller than I was as a sophomore in high school though. We're going out for dinner to catch up and such. SHIT, dinner! SHITSHITSHIT. I hate eating engagements. Seriously all I fixate upon is the food. At parties, too. So horrid. Anyway. Camping tomorrow. With Mumsie. There will be vegetables.
xxxooo Eva

Saturday, July 17, 2010

J'aime bien le camping

Mommsie and I are going CAMPING tomorrow morning until Tuesday eve, so I will bid thee beauties farewell and excuse my lack of commenting/posting in the near future.

I am hoping to mostly just eat VEGGIEZ.

Here are some Weekend Links for y'all.

Great workout tips!

Relaxing and fat burning yoga!

another GREAT yoga workout!

If you have an iPhone or iPod Touch, get these Apps!
(I have just downloaded Lose It! and it's effing amazing.)

and for the lols...

SCIENCE (Insane Clown Posse style)
SCIENCE (Sagan style)

I love you girls so much. Your comments, and your posts, keep me smiling and strong.
zzzzzzz Eva

Lady GnawGnaw

If all of our blogs were aggregated onto a graph of "yay me" and "FUCK MY LIFE" with all the little bumps in between, I feel as if many of ours would form similar erratic and jumpy patterns between the polar opposites.

o hai, beautiful skinnies

Today was not so good, as you might guess from the title.

Fast being officially broken as of yesterday, I had today:

1/2 c fiber one and soy milk 100 cals
2 small nectarines 60 cals
1 cup yam and lime soup 180 cals
1/2 tomato 30 cals
2 tsp peanut butter 75 cals

but then...friend's party! DREADDDD:
1/2 brownie with frosting 150 cals
cake slice (thin) 40 cals
peach cobbler 100 cals

total: at least 555 calories
without any REAL HARD exercise.

Speaking of...
Has anyone ever dealt with a knee injury? I over-worked my running and haven't been able to jog for over 2 months. This is unfortunate since the lack of aerobics is sucking my muscle out and replacing it with flub.
Exercise suggestions please...what's the next best calorie-crunching fun you partake in?

Hope everyone's weekend is fun, and successful.
Much love and WELCOME NEW FOLLOWERS! 24 Lovely Lads and Ladies!
xxxooo Eva

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Fasting, Flabbing, and The Great Green Ganja

hey lovelies,
day 2ish of fasting proved O-K, but I had WAY too many solids:

1 bowl miso soup
1 plum
1 bowl bean/broccoli/pea soup
lots water

and also a lick of weed butter. Shit's tasty! I meant to ask you all though, what is your stance on the ol' Mary J, anyhow? I like how it increases my heart rate and makes me feel light. I don't like how sometimes food gets paired with it, a la the Munchies of Doom.
and now, I guess here are some body pictures. Prepare yourselves.


these are the Cheap Mondays I cannot properly squeeze myself into, as you may note by the bulging button fly. Mostly the lack of fitting-properly derives itself from this area:
[edit: picture removed, I couldn't stand it]
butt/thighs. Don't know if the thunder thighs came outta doing hurdles in track and field, or the Pill, or a curse from the Gods. Either way. bane of my existence, and my desire to fit into skinny jeans properly.

--end ughhhh--

Tomorrow I am planning an all-liquid day. Can't decide what it'll consist of yet. Probs green tea, lemon juice, and kombucha. And TOMATO JUICE NOM NOM

xxxooo Eva

Monday, July 12, 2010

It's Official

I'm fasting!

Yesterday I started (ostensibly), had two cups of Fiber One, a cup of Miso with bean juice and zucchini, and a plum.

Miso soup
lemon juice
miso soup/zucchini/sauerkraut (for digestive health y'all!)

Just got back from yoga and the scale says 134! So that's my starting weight on the fast.

Sunday, July 11, 2010


What's everyone's height? (No pressure to post of course)

Any tall people? They say taller heights hide weight but not on this body. I have the hugest thunder thighs ever. And a fattttt ass.

Starting a fast today, so far with Eibbroc and Vicki and Ixia!
Today is Fiber One for b, l, and dinner with tea, kombucha, apple cider vinegar, and 3 liters of water interspersed.

The Fiber 1 should add up to about 240 cals total. Strength, my good ladies and gentlemen!

xxxooo Eva

Saturday, July 10, 2010

I Battled the Bulge, the Bulge Won

"How are you feeling?"
Like a whale.
"Comment vas-tu?"
Comme une baleine.
"Ni hao ma?"
(don't know how to answer "I feel like a whale" in Mandarin yet)

So guess who went to the buffet and binged like a budai. ME

I ate better than I would have in past years, forgoing (most) starchy things for seafood and veggies, but I let a few things slip, especially with sushi. So much fucking sushi. GEE!

Anyway my tum is distended and I probably gained like ten fucking pounds and I even made friends with Mia on my front lawn for a few minutes but I doubt that did much (maybe a crab leg, or a few prawns if I'm lucky). Finished off the night with a sickening two cups of the good ol' Green Box tea, otherwise known as "Diet Tea", "Dieters Tea II", "3 Ballerina Tea", et cetera. Shit is nasty but it works great to clear the innards out, no?

And how's everyone else's weekend? Would anyone like to begin a 7-day fast with me tomorrow?
As for me I'm rolling myself off to bed. Or like, flopping there.

Fermenting is superFly!

Does anyone engage in the crazy, risky and fun process of fermenting food?
There are many examples of this practice:

honey wine

making kimchi in Korea

basically a lot of dishes that are kind of "weird" foods by American standards, haha.

The thing is, most of these foods are better for you fermented than they are as their original products because the process creates really awesome little bacteria that eat up carbohydrates. Like, for example, when making Kombucha you add a lot of sugar to black tea, but then add the kombucha culture which proceeds to EAT all the sugar until the caloric content is tiny!

I make a lot of kombucha and sauerkraut. They take a few weeks but hey it's a "reward" goal to have your kimchi or kombucha ready after you check your scale for the most recent weight loss.

But for me the biggest benefits are:
fermented foods are LOW CALORIE
fermented food is good for your digestive system
fermented food is fun to make when you're restricting

MISO! sip it up.

--Kombucha recipe (you can just buy a bottle at the store and use it for your first batch, instead of getting a "mother)
--Sauerkraut tutorial: I make mine in littler glass jars covered with a plastic bag, usually works fine.
--some health site on the benefits of fermenting
--great miso soup recipe; just take out the tofu and it's way low cal.

I have also read that eating fermented foods before/after fasting is like the very best thing for your system.

Any questions? What's your favorite fermented food? What's your least favorite?

xxxooo Eva

Friday, July 9, 2010

mamma MIAAAA

Hey lovelies,
first of all thank you to my newest followers (actually thanks to all of you twelve!) who have made my still-very-newborn foray into the Blog such a warm one. And so inspiring. Seriously you people...reading your wonderful writing, conflicted emotions, failures and successes is so inspiring.

Well after reading Dainty Zen's post on baby food (with another cute Abbey Lee eats pic!) I decided to forgo the awkward "Mom, can I buy these Gerber's for dinner?" grocery convo and make my own baby food. Ya! So I busted out ye olde Cuisinart and puréed:
--1 cup or so frozen peas sauteed for a few minutes beforehand with garlic
--handful of mint leaves
--garlic salt
--tomato juice (just a lil)
--black pepper
(this might be the spicy grownup version of baby food)

I ate a sh
it-ton though (no pun intended, actually I am still waiting for those results Zen so eloquently describes...!)
1/4 canteloupe for breakfast (50 cals)
2 small plum/berry/fiber one bites (150 cals)
1/4 cup homemade hummus (60 cals)
1 rice cake (50 cals)
so probs like 400 or 500 (rounding up)

dammmmn I feel so bloated. Hopin it is just the fiber y'all.


1 day until Chinese buffet.
I am so frightened. Does anyone have any buffet tips? I mean ok, I know intellectually the eat-1/3-of-everything rule, but anything affirmative would really help. I am hoping not to have to purge the prawns, dump the dim sum, chuck up the chow mein, et cetera.
Stay strong y'all.
My next post is going to be about fermented foods. They are so friggin good for you.
xxxooo Eva

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


So I guess as an addition to the previous post comes this question for all you brilliant people:

I've been collecting a lot (and yes, a lot of you probably know how much gum a hungry girl can chew) and a lot of gum wrappers recently, specifically the silver Wrigley's Extra kind.

Now it's time for an art project. Give me ideas. If Andy Warhol could ask people for inspiration, then so can I, ha ha!

I don't care how time-consuming, in fact the harder the better....

My current thought is making a book (I have some book arts experience) and having the cover be one color of wrapper and then the pages inside be of another kind. Just having blank pages of gum wrappers, as a testament to consumption/identity/fear/capitalism, et cetera.


Beijing Bonanza

I went to a yoga class with Mom today! It was great. I didn't eat at all beforehand, and then was absolutely starving after. It was a hard class too though most of the participants were uppity grannies...

1/4 canteloupe ~70 cals
2 celery sticks ~5
1 rice cake ~70
some berries ~40 cals
SO MUCH GUM (jawz are sore y'all)
--sautéed beans, zucchini, mushrooms ~100, there was olive oil
--OMG and I tried making zucchini "noodles" ~10
i saw this on a wonderful blog recently but can't remember whose...anyone? anyone? I wanna cite my sources here.
and they were effing amazing. Zucchini noodles, everyone. I just used a zester to peel them, but you can also just use a veggie peeler. Insta delish.
1/2 artichoke (these things are fiber magic, I swear...and we're stopping there.) ~60 cals
teeny cake slice (fiber one batter) ~150 cals

I think I mighta snacked a little bit extra too, so I'll say 600 calories total today. Not too shoddy...
Also I drank a SHITTON of water. Like 3 or 4 liters maybe?

It's strange because not eating makes me feel like I'm missing something. Like, I have zillions of activities I could do: garden, make more art--paint, printmake, draw, clean, practice piano, sell clothes on eBay...
but these things are more difficult to do than to eat, ya know? There's some psychological theory that says we always tend towards the easiest path. Nommin' is definitely the easiest path, for me at least.

I want to apply for MFA programs. I need a good strong portfolio to go anywhere that meets my standards...this is scary. Especially since all I seem to be doing these days is puttering around, blogging, and playing The Sims 3 (highly recommend this as an alt to eating...it's addictive though...).

But FIRST. I'm going to Beijing, in less than a month. For a whole year. With my boyfriend. We're teaching and living together and I think it'll be absolutely wonderful. I am, however, worried about 2 things:
1) Chinese buffets and cheap, cheap, food and drink
2) Chinese beauty standards. My friend from Taiwan says that she'd be considered "a huge fatty" although she is probably 5'7" and 130ish.

The next year will definitely be a challenge. Esp. since the bf is tall, skinny, and possessing the highest metabolism known to man. Jealz.

Liu Wen...Chinese model par excellence! What a gorgie.
(does anyone know who the other girl is? Hye Park?)

"communism makes a good worker and a skinny girl!"
-a wise person
(all of these quotes are bullshit, of course)

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Creepie Crawlies

It's fine in the morning, but it gets a little scary once the hunger pangs start, no?

Intake so far:
coffee w/1/2 cup soymilk (40 cals/cup)
plum/berries, baked (about 30 cals)
(PM edit, adding:)
sautéed green beans, mushrooms
2 small pieces of tempeh
berries galore
1 plum (picked from a tree in my yard!)
small teensy slice of Mom's birthday cake

...it's going to be a few days until I fully get used to eating >1000 calories
ugh, in the meantime...it's so unfulfilling to eat too much...

model Abbey Lee's meal habits...or PR photo?
"I eat, y'all."

AM Surprise

So I woke up this morning to my boyfriend calling me (he's in SoCal, and I'm in NorCal since June, but I'm going down for his birthday, and none too soon!!!). Hearing his voice started my day out great!
The second lovely surprise was my stomach...I had eaten way too much last night (and really just throughout the day) because it was my Mom's birthday, and I cooked like a bunch of veggies: artichokes, squash, cilantro pesto... I also a birthday cake of course--but made the cake with Fiber One pancake mix (added blackberries and some Splenda too!). It was, needless to say, a fibez-exxxxplosion. Haha.
So I had an awful time last night, crying and all because I felt incapable of changing my eating habits. My waist was like 29, almost 30 inches. This morning after the coffee and warm water ;) it was down to 27, almost 26 inches. Keepin it that way ALL DAY yo.
I read a great tip on Skinny Gossip about exercising in the morning, and I think I'm about to sign up for a 9 am aerobics class...so that means, NO TIME FOR BREAKFAST! Feeling good today. Let's hope it sticks.

Monday, July 5, 2010

First Post

Today is my first foray into the eating blog. I've tried a bajillion "fitness" and "diet" websites, journals, and the like, but nothing seems to stick. Recent forays into pro-ana/pro-skinny sites have seemed way promising though--a community of like-minded, motivated individuals who want to help each other and themselves.

So I guess, an intro? I've always been a tall and skinny type--until late puberty when things started topping off...I've always had a weird relationship with food, too. Cleaning one's plate is the norm in my family, and growing up frugal and lower-middle-class has kind of installed that "get as much as you can while it's here" attitude. So naturally, Sizzler, Fresh Choice, and any Chinese buffet restaurant prove dangerous.... My stomach is bad at telling me when it's full, so I'll eat, and eat, and eat until bloated and physically uncomfortable.

I remember sitting alone in my dorm freshman year (I've recently graduated) of college, after buying this huuuge Mexican food take-out thing, and just gorging myself on it, and then a bag of carrots, et cetera. I have snuck food from many friend and family refrigerators. I can't let anyone throw food away and if possible will volunteer to eat it/take the food home.

My mind and psyche is so intertwined with my eating habits that I'm scared that it will be a lifelong struggle. I am hoping to break the awful cycles of hate and self-criticism I encounter every time I binge and feel fat. I hope this blog helps me, and maybe helps someone else too.